Q: Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz? A: No, but I bet it hurts like hell.

While passing a vacant lot late one night, a inside ibm db2 alphablox: an in-depth technical view of ibm db2 alphablox jogger was stopped by a man who held a gun to his head. "Who are you for," the gunman snarled, "Bush or Dukakis?" The runner thought for a moment, shifting nervously from foot to foot, as the muzzle pressed harder into his temple. "Bush or Dukakis?" the mugger insisted. Finally, the jogger shrugged his shoulders, closed his eyes and bowed his head. "Go ahead and shoot."

Schafft Weihnachten ab! - Josef hat alles zugegeben.

dba-oracle All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.

Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. -- H. L. Mencken

Hear about... the man who never worried about his marriage until he moved from New York to California and discovered that he still had the same milkman?

Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In an instant, armed linux troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to prison. They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced to death. The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have any lasts requests. Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to Murray. "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he spits in the sergeants face. "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"

A german composer named Bruckner Remarked to a lady while fuckener : "Less lento, my dear, With your cute little rear; I like a hot presto when muckener!"

Rumour has it that the intrepid New Zealanders have finally discovered two new uses for sheep. Meat and wool.

Cleanliness is next to impossible.

Der Mensch hat dreierlei Wege, klug zu handeln: erstens durch Nachdenken, das ist der edelste. Zweitens durch Nachahmen, das ist der leichteste. Und drittens durch capterra Erfahrung, das ist der bitterste. -- Konfuzius

I never did give anybody hell. I just told the truth and they thought it was hell. -- Harry S. Truman

A cautious young fellow named Lodge Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. When his date was strapped in, He committed a sin, Without even jnb-oct leaving his grodge.

"I would have said yes to abortion if only it was right. I mean, yeah it's right. Well, no it's not right -- that's why I said no to it." George W. Bush February 14, 2000 Speaking in South Carolina.

Naeser's Law: You can make it foolproof, but sastools you can't make it damnfoolproof.

A fellow whose surname was Hunt Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt: This versatile spout Could be turned inside out, Like a glove, and be used as a cunt.

Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain

According unixodbc to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.

So this traveling salesman got an audience with the Pope. "Hey, father," he said, "have you heard the joke about the two Polacks who --" "My son," the Pope reminded him, "I'm Polish." The salesman thought for a moment. "That's okay, Father," he said. "I'll tell it very slowly."

"I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child." -- Steven Wright

Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like using an undocumented external procedure.

Leela: "Great. We're two days from earth with no food." Bender: "Problem solved. You two fight to the death and I'll cook the loser."

Bubblegum: Bender, you can talk trash, you can handle the ball, but look in your heart and ask yourself: are you funky enough to be a Globe Trotter? Are you? Bender: Yes. Bubblegum: Are you? coolabout Bender: I mean, with time, my funk level could... Bubblegum: Are you?! Bender: No. Bubblegum: Deal with it.

products Are you a turtle?

If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as plentiful as blackberries. -- Leslie Stephen

Hear about... the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and started chiseling on his wife?

Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not make messes in the house. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"

"I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to get off my driveway." -- Steven Wright

I believe in sex and death -- two experiences that come once in db2 articles a lifetime. -- Woody Allen

The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a dishonorable discharge. Without missing a beat, I said... "It's my dick and I can wash it as fast as I want!"

Turn cdtext your Pentium into a Gameboy: Type WIN at C:\>

Corrupt, adj.: In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.

Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.

Q: Why do dogs lick their balls? A: 'Cause they can! (Real answer: 'Cause they can't curl their little paws into fists...)

10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman: (1) A beer won't make you go to church. (2) A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman. (3) A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit. (4) A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of other beers on the side. (5) A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of "doberperson". (6) A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian folk music on yer fave radio station. (7) A beer understands why The Three Stooges are funny. (8) A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up. (9) A beer doesn't think that a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" is an enormous can of vegetable juice. (10) A beer won't smoke in your car.

"`...and the Universe,' continued the waiter, determined not to be deflected on his home stretch, `will explode later for your pleasure.' Ford's head swivelled slowly towards him. He spoke with feeling. `Wow,' he said, `What sort of drinks do you serve in this place?' The waiter laughed a polite little waiter's laugh. `Ah,' he said, `I think sir has perhaps misunderstood me.' `Oh, it & management articles I hope not,' breathed Ford." - Ford in paradise.

Six days after the Creation, Adam was still alone in the Garden of Eden, and getting pretty desperate. "God!" he cried, "rescue me from loneliness and despair! Send some company for Your sake!" God replied "OK, I have just the thing. Keep you warm and relaxed all the days of your life. Never complains. Looks up to you in every way. It'll cost you though". "Sounds ideal" said Adam. "The society of the beasts of the field and the birds of the air palls after a while. What's the price?" "An arm and a leg", said God. Adam thought about it for a bit and finally sighed. "So, what can I get for a rib?"

Brief History Of Linux (#6) California Goldrush Now we skip ahead to California in 1849, when the discovery of gold at Sutter's Mill set the stage for countless prospectors (Fortyniners) to travel West in the hopes to get-rich-quick by finding gold in them thar hills. What's the connection with Linux, you ask? Well, the same thing happened exactly 150 years later, in 1999. The discovery of Venture Capital at Red Hat set the stage for countless investors (Ninetyniners) to travel West in the hopes to get-rich-quick by finding hot IPOs in them thar Linux companies.

A potter who lived in Bombay Once fashioned a cunt out of clay; But the heat of his prick Kilned the damn thing to brick And chafed all his foreskin away.

HOW TO REMOVE STAINS -- #28 Semen stains can be about us removed from computer terminals with Fantastik or the like. Use Windex on the glass however, and be sure to turn the power off if you have to clean between the keys.

Infatuation, n: When you're in love, there's a lump in your throat. When you're infatuated, there's a lump in your pants.

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog, it's too dark to read." -- Groucho Marx

Once upon a girl there was a time...

Amy: Worms? the right stuff (new initiatives at ibm) Ew, pukatronic!

"I love this planet. I've got wealth, fame, and access to the depths of sleaze that those things bring." -Bender

Kleptomaniac, n.: A rich thief. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

One day a city dweller decided to take a ride in the country. He hopped into his sportscar, wandered along the highway for a while and then exited to some very rural dirt roads in the middle of farm country. After awhile, he came across a farmer who clearly working his fields. The funny thing was, the farmer didn't seem to be wearing any pants. The man got out of his car and approached the farmer. "Hey, buddy," he asked, "how come you're not wearing any clothes?" Replied the farmer, "Well, boy, th' other day I was out a-workin' in the fields, an' I plum fergot t' wear mah shirt. Got back to th' house that night, and mah neck was stiffer than a oak-wood board. This here's mah wife's idea."

...and no philosophy, sadly, has all the answers. No matter how assured we may be about certain aspects of our belief, there are always painful inconsistencies, exceptions, and contradictions. This is true in religion as it is in politics, and is self-evident to all except fanatics and the naive. dba-oracle As for the fanatics, whose number is legion in our own time, we might be advised to leave them to heaven. They will not, unfortunately, do us the same courtesy. They attack us and each other, and whatever their protestations to peaceful intent, the bloody record of history makes clear that they are easily disposed to restore to the sword. My own belief in God, then, is just that -- a matter of belief, not knowledge. My respect for Jesus Christ arises from the fact that He seems to have been the most virtuous inhabitant of Planet Earth. But even well-educated Christians are frustated in their thirst for certainty about the beloved figure of Jesus because of the undeniable ambiguity of the scriptural record. Such ambiguity is not apparent to children or fanatics, but every recognized Bible scholar is perfectly aware of it. Some Christians, alas, resort to formal lying to obscure such reality. -- Steve Allen

Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.

"Are you all right?" -Leela "Ah, it's nothing a a law suit won't cure." -Bender

... [after the announcement of Vanguard] ... Secretary of Defense Charles Wilson (the same "Engine Charlie" who once told the Senate, "[F]or years I've thought that what was good for our country was good for General Motors, and vice versa," probably an accurate analysis) was asked whether the Russians might beat the Americans into orbit. "I wouldn't care if they did," he responded. (It was later claimed that Wilson favored the development of the automatic transmission so that he could drive with one foot in his mouth.) -- Smithsonian's Air&Space Magazine, "The Day the Rocket Died"

Fine day to throw a party. Throw him gql - generic sql library as far as you can.

"My country, right or wrong," is a thing that no patriot would think of saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying, "My mother, drunk or sober." -- G. K. Chesterton

How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.

Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit.

All java news brief::oci::january issue true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding, In all of the directions it can whiz; As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know, Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is. So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure, How amazingly unlikely is your birth; And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space, 'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth! -- Monty Python, "The Meaning of Life"

Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. -- Albert Einstein

Runners do j2se 5.0 it alone.

Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day. He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face. "We can't have this!" his Dad declared, "If that lad's ate, he should be shared." But even as he spoke they saw Horace eating more and more: First his legs and then his thighs, his arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes... "Stop him someone!" Mother cried, "Those eyeballs would be better fried!" But all too late, for they were gone, and he had started on his dong... "Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns "You could have deep-fried that with prawns, Some parsley and and some tartar sauce..." But H. was on his second course: his liver and his lights and lung, His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue; "To think I raised him from the cot, And now he's going to scoff the lot!" His Mother cried: "What shall we do? What's left sql server mysql oracle migrate won't even make a stew..." And as she wept, her son was seen, to eat his head, his heart his spleen. and there he lay: a boy no more, just a stomach on the floor... None the less, since it *was* his, they ate it -- that's what haggis is.

"The funny thing is if you actually read those papers, you find that, while the researchers were applying thier optomizational tricks on a microkernel, in fact those same tricks could be applied to traditional kernels to accelerate their execution." -- Linus Torvalds on Microkernels (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates)

Sex without class consciousness cannot give satisfaction, even if it is repeated until infinity. -- Aldo Brandirali (Secretary of the Italian Marxist-Leninist Party), in a manual of the party's official sex guidelines, 1973.

Economics, n.: Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. Galbraith ... -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"

One day President Reagan, Chairman Andropov, the Pope, and a boy scout were flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down. Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four passengers! Andropov grabbed one of the parachutes and declared "Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must be spared," and he jumped out of the plane. Then Reagan exclaimed "As leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for democracy," and with that he too jumped to safety. Now if you are following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and productive sql server worldwide user's group - privacy policy life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's hands." "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but there is no need. Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack."

object computing, inc. - java news brief - june 2004 ... the most exquisitely squalid hells known to middle-class man: freshman English at a Midwestern university. -- Tom Wolfe

Professor: "A toast to Leela. She showed us it's wrong to eat certain things."

You wanna play the dozens, Well, the dozens is a game, But the way I fuck your mother is an ass-wringing shame! -- George Carlin

Getting an education at the University of California is like having $50.00 java upgrade program shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.

Alle Illusionen sterben, aber nur intelligent enterprise magazine - scalable systems die Schwächlinge sterben mit ihnen.

"I am not now, and never have been, a girlfriend of Henry Kissinger." -- Gloria Steinem

There is a road to database freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty, Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the Fatherland. -- Adolf Hitler

You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags embedded linux consortium - championing the advancement of embedded linux of money.

informit Fear, n.: What you feel when you see a U-Haul with Texas license plates.

A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be passionately wrong with a high sense of consistency. -- J. K. Galbraith

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

A pious young lady named Finnegan Would caution her friend, "Well, you're in again; So time it aright, Make it last through the night, For I certainly don't want to sin again!"

Ogden's Law: The sooner you fall behind, product > post > entry form the more time you have to catch up.

He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.

If it takes a bloodbath, lets get it over with. No more appeasement. -- Ronald Reagan

Q: How dataconvert do you tell that your roommate's gay? A: When his cock tastes like shit.

Cold, adj.: When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.

Demokratie ist wie Sex. Ist sie gut, ist sie sehr gut. Ist sie nicht so gut, ist sie immer noch ganz gut.

The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism, call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it. -- Al Capone

"There is a lot of speculation and I guess there is going to continue to be a lot of speculation until the speculation ends." George W. Bush October 18, 1998 The Texas governor embedded linux consortium - championing the advancement of embedded linux commenting on the possibility of his running for the presidency. Reported by the Austin American-Statesman.

It is not too late to turn back from the GATES of hell. Use Linux - the free 32 bit operating system.

Fuck art; let's dance!

"Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like `Psychic Wins Lottery'?" -- Jay Leno

hot topic: books on embedded linux "Darling", said the young bride, "tell me what's bothering you. We promised to share all our joys and sorrows, remember?" "But this is different," protested her husband. "Together, darling," she insisted, "we will bear the burden. Now tell me what our problem is." "Well," said the husband, "we've just become the father of a bastard child."

A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.

Windows NT, from the people who invented EDLIN!

A bather whose clothing was strewed By breezes that left her quite nude, Saw a man come along And, unless I am wrong, You expected this line to be lewd.

"Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who petefinnigan shot you." -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student

Did you know that clones never use mirrors? -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

You will live redhat a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.

The entire work force of the Communist countries is subjected to periodic purges (called verifications in Newspeak). One of the most severe took place in 1957 when Novotny, rattled by the Hungarian Revolution the year before, tried hard to weed out "radishes" (red outside, white inside) from all but insignificant positions. Any one of the following would often result in the loss of one's job: Bourgeois or Jewish family background, relatives abroad, contacts with former capitalists, having lived in a Western country, insufficient knowledge of Communist literature, and others. A man is interviewed by a "Verification Committee." "What kind of family do you come from?" "A rich, Jewish family." "And your wife?" "A German aristocrat." "Have you ever been to the West?" "I spent most of my life in England." "How did you make a living there?" "A friend supported me." "Where did you get the money from?" "He owned a textile factory." "Who was Lenin?" "Never heard of him." "What is your name?" "Karl Marx."

Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.

God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.

All Gods were immortal. -- Stanislaw J. free online programming documentation, tutorials, references and books (thefreecountry.com) Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"

Failure is use these listings to locate commercial products ... not an option -- it comes bundled with Windows.

database Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture, all will end as doves.

"Why don't you just come move in with me?" -Bender "Really? That would be great! You sure I won't be imposing?" -Fry "Nah. I've always wanted a pet." -Bender

A bobby of Nottingham Junction Whose organ had long ceased to function Deceived his good wife For the rest of her life With the aid of his constable's truncheon.

Brontosaurus Principle: Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when this occurs, they are an endangered species. -- Thomas K. Connellan

"Oh no, wisdomforce not again." - A bowl of petunias on it's way to certain death.

QOTD: Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

Slow day. Practice crawling.

"It's all so painfully empty and lonesome... I don't think I can stand any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are never missed. The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really... We come out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb. What is the point of it all? Who thought up this sickening circle of flesh and blood? We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, multilation, and then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever. Who could have thought it up, I wonder?" -- James Purdy

Well, you almost got it right. The only problem is, you're doing it exactly backwards! Just reverse the motions you described and your partner will experience an incredibly intense orgasm. One trouble with this technique, though, is that it works so well. Believe me, word will get around about your newfound prowess and you'll be inundated by prospective sexual partners. So try to be discreet. I prefer maple syrup to pineapple/apricot lotion, but that's a matter of personal preference. Also, I'd advise against the syrup, or using honey, if you're outside, because the insects it attracts tend to distract the quail. You can substitute crazy glue (but obviously not thumb tacks!) for the masking tape, but only if you don't want to use the piano for awhile.

My reaction to porno films is as follows: After the first ten minutes, I want cvs oracle unload table to go home and screw. After the first twenty minutes, I never want to screw again as long as I live. -- Erica Jong

Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil.

He had heard that a certain whorehouse had a reputation for the bizarre. So he drove to the place and, once inside, asked the Madam if she had anything unusual for him to try. "Things are pretty slow today," she said, "but I do have one number you might enjoy." She went on to describe a New Jersey hen that had been trained to do blow jobs. "We've got her here, but only for the day." The visitor could hardly believe it, but he paid the fee and went into a room with a hen. After a frustrating hour of trying to force his cock into the hen's mouth, he figured out that he was dealing with nothing but a plain old chicken. He left. Thinking about it later, he decided that he had had so much fun trying that he returned the few days later and asked the Madam, "Do you have anything new today?" "Come this way," she said, and led him to a dark room where a group of men were looking through a one-way mirror. He saw that they were watching a girl making it with a large doberman pinscher. "Wow!" he said to the man standing next to him. "This is really great!" The man replied, "Man, it ain't nothin'! You shoulda been here a week ago and seen the guy with the chicken!"

A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now has no excuse for further procrastination.

An inquisitive virgin named Dora Asked the man who started to bore 'er : "Do you mean birds java news brief::oci::april issue and bees Go through antics like these, To suppy us our fauna and flora?"

download java 2 platform, standard edition, v 1.4.2 (j2se) A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding ducks. -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981

dbtools software - welcome to dbtools software Du hast keine Chance, also nutze sie!

Going from DOS to Linux is like trading a glider for an F117.

Quality Control, n.: The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.

There's a vas installing and configuring db2 server deferens between men and women.

Labor, n.: One perl cgi script debugging: solving a 500 internal server error (thesitewizard.com) of the processes by which A acquires property for B. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Statements recently seen on Slashdot: "The Internet newdatarecoveryinfo interprets advertising as damage and routes around it." "Accept risk. Accept responsibility. Put a lawyer out of business." "A beowulf cluster of Cisco routers? Isn't that the Internet?" "Geeks aren't interested in politics because government doesn't double its efficiency and speed once every 18 months." "Windows 98 hasn't crashed for me once in over a year, either. Oh, wait, I haven't booted it in over a year." "For more than 4 generations the IT Professionals were the guardians of quality and stability in software. Before the dark times. Before Microsoft..." "You can tell how desperate they are by counting the number of times they say 'innovate' in their press releases."

Slashdot Effect Vaporizes Ganymede -- Submitted by Dave Finton In one of the more bizarre consequences of the infamous "Slashdot Effect", Ganymede, the largest moon in our solar system, was completely and utterly destroyed when CmdrTaco posted an article about the Hubble Space Telescope's latest round of images and discoveries. "It all started when we put up some more info on our web page about Jupiter and Ganymede," said one NASA guy whom we believe may be in charge of something. "CmdrTaco got wind of it, and posted it on his site." According to observers, the webserver promptly exploded thereafter, damaging the nearby remote control system used to aim and focus the Hubble's cameras from the ground. "All of the sudden our controls went wacky!" said one engineer. "The Hubble then started shooting these death rays all over the universe. One of those rays hit Ganymede, and *POOF*. There it went! We were all like, 'COOOOOL! Let's aim it something else!'"

A genius is a queer who can whistle while he works. -- Bobby Knight

If Bill dblue - an advanced enterprise information search and delivery system Gates is the Devil then Linus Torvalds must be the Messiah.

... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a KOSHER DELI!!

"Sex is as honest a product benefit for fragrance [perfume] as taste is for diet Coke." -- Malcolm DacDougall

"Of course, in Perl culture, almost nothing is prohibited. My feeling is that the rest of the world already has plenty of perfectly good prohibitions, so why invent more?" -- Larry Wall (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates)

Kann ich dir einen Drink holen, oder willst Du lieber Geld?

Leela: community Well, someone's in a good mode.

"The move was on to 'Free the Lizard'" -- Jim Hamerly and Tom Paquin (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates)

"Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it, she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.'" -- David Letterman

cdtext Beware of computerized fortune-tellers!

Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben. -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"

Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?

A joint is just tea for two.

novell We've just recieved the results of a survey conducted to ascertain the various reasons men get out of bed in the middle of the night. According to the report, 2% are motivated by a desire to visit the bathroom, and 3% have an urge to raid the refrigerator. The other 95% get up to go home.

If it flies, floats or fucks, rent it, don't buy it. -- Tommy Earl Bruner

I'm a gay man trapped in a lesbian's body! -- The Queer Gospels of Madonna the Sloppily Conceived

Are what's in al's shed today? you making all this up as you go along?

Then there was the girl whose boyfriend didn't smoke, drink or swear, and never, ever made a pass at her. He also made his own dresses.

dba "Microsoft is the epitome of innovation and product quality." -- This testimonial paid for by Microsoft.

No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will seriously cramp his style.

java news brief::oci::march issue You will be imprisoned for contributing your time and skill to a bank robbery.

Committee Rules: (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner. (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise. (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others. (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed. (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.

This 600-pound guy decides he can't go on living this way, so he seeks the help of a clinic and proceeds to go on a drastic diet. It works: four months later he's down to 160 pounds and feeling great, except for one problem. He's covered with great folds of flesh where the fat used to be. He calls up the clinic, and the doctor tells him not to worry. "There's a special surgical procedure to correct this condition," the doctor assures him. "Just come on over to the clinic." "But doctor," the man pleads, "you don't understand. I'm too embarrassed to be seen in public like this." "Don't give it another thought," says the doctor. "Simply pull up all the folds as high as they'll go, pile the flesh on top of your head, put on a top hat, and come on over." The guy follows the instructions and provokes no comments until he reaches the clinic and is standing in front of the admitting nurse's desk, dying of self-consciousness. "The doctor will be right with you," says the nurse. "Say, what's that hole in the middle of your forehead?" "My navel," blurts out the guy, "how d'ya like my tie?"