... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand. -- J. B. White

Pardo's First Postulate: Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. Arnold's Addendum: Everything else causes db2 articles cancer in rats.

jdbc downloads and specifications The only difference between your current lover and a doorknob is that a doorknob warms up when you hold it.

He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope of ever behaving "normally." -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"

transvestite, n.: Someone who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.

Rumour has it that the intrepid New Zealanders have finally discovered two new uses for sheep. Meat and wool.

Said Einstein, "I have an equation Which to some may seem rabelaisian: Let _V be virginity Approaching infinity; Let _P be a constant persuasion; "Let _V over _P be inverted With the square root of _M_u inserted _N times into _V ... The result, Q.E.D., Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.

Live in a world forums of your own, but always welcome visitors.

Microsoft Mandatory Survey (#9) Customers who want to upgrade to Windows 98 Second Edition must now fill out a Microsoft survey online before they can order the bugfix/upgrade. Question 9: Which of the following do you prefer as a replacement for the current Microsoft slogan? A. "Over 20 Years of Innovation" B. "Wintel Inside" C. "Your Windows And Gates To The World" D. "Because Anti-Trust Laws Are Obsolete" E. "One Microsoft Way. It's Much More Than An Address!" F. "This Motto Is Not Anti-Competitive. And Neither Is Microsoft." G. "Fighting the Department of Injustice Since Day One"

Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes, nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.

Hartley's Second Law: Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. My corollary: The completely psychotic have all the fun.

"Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the opposite." -- John Kenneth Galbraith

Roses on your piano isn't nearly as good as newinfoage tulips on your organ.

Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.

Don't eat yellow snow.

You can lead a whore to Vasser, but you can't make her think. -- Frederick B. Artz

Was sagt ein Physiker ohne Arbeit zu einem Physiker mit Arbeit? . Eine Currywurst mit tablesi Pommes bitte!

"I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to watch him have another."

Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife, Guinevere, into her chastity belt. Then he summoned his loyal friend and subject Sir Lancelot. "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife. The key to this chaste treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world. To you." Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's blessing and took charge of the key. Arthur mounted his steed and rode off. Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him. "What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king. "My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!"

Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's technical comparison of db2 and mysql solemn creed. Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed. Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice, Unless you get a good percentage of her price ... -- Tom Lehrer

flowchart, n. & v.: [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart "a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."] 1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template. 2. n. Neronic doodling while the system burns. 3. n. A low-cost substitute for wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 5. v.intrans. To produce flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 6. v.trans. To obfuscate (a problem) with esoteric cartoons. -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"

Once you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

Don't get even -- get odd!

My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and snaps I threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste. First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door. Then we rushed forward, shouting "The WHO! The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative crowd had gathered. I would like to be able to say that this was a symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I really just wanted to find out what it would sound like. It sounded OK. -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"

Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly misleading. Debug only code. -- Dave Storer

If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty. -- Joseph C. Goulden

Double-Blind Experiment, n.: An experiment free webmaster resources (thefreecountry.com) in which the chief researcher believes he is fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied by a belief in the tooth fairy.

I've finally found the perfect girl, I couldn't ask for more, She's deaf and dumb and over-sexed, And owns a liquor store.

"`Hey this is terrific!' Zaphod said. `Someone down there is trying to kill us!' `Terrific,' said Arthur. `But don't you see what this means?' `Yes. We are going to die.' `Yes, but apart from that.' `APART from that?' `It means we must be on to something!' `How soon can we get off it?'" - Zaphod and Arthur in a certain death jdbc technology situation over Magrathea.

Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking. product > post > entry form -- Jerome Lettvin

Boston, n.: Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for finishing second in the Irish jig competition.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

Love is the desire to prostitute oneself. There is, indeed, no exalted pleasure that cannot be related to prostitution. -- Charles Baudelaire

"I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it (your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage." articles, links - sql server, oracle, db2, xml -- English Professor, Providence College

ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very nice.

He's gallantry personified, in fact, his brochures ought to read satisfaction guaranteed, or your virginity returned intact.

7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National Redwood Forest. 7:30, Channel 8: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.

In the beginning was the word. But by the time the second word was added to it, there was trouble. For with it came syntax ... -- John Simon

It was a book to kill time for php tutorial part 2: form validation, disabling browser caching, embedding html code (thesitewizard.com) those who liked it better dead.

Scratch the average female and you'll find a purring bundle... at the ready to love and honor, bake a torte and still produce quintuplets. -- Edgar Berman

Back in '80 or '81 the workers were rioting in Gdansk and there were fears that the Soviets would invade Poland to put down the demonstrations. Foreign correspondents were curious as to just what the Poles would do if they were invaded. They asked, "What will you do if the East Germans invade from the West and the Soviets invade from the East? Who will you fight first?" To which the Poles replied, "Why, we will fight the Germans first. Business before pleasure."

Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit.

These activities have their own rules and methods of concealment which seek to mislead and archive of published articles and code samples obscure. -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1960

If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.

The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. customers and markets That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision.

Wer im Glashaus sitzt, sollte immer Sidolin dabei haben!

A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his novices. "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant," said the master. "Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice. "It is," came the reply. "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice. "It is even in a video game," said the master. "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?" The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is over for today," he said. -- "The Tao of Programming"

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation ... the other eight are unimportant. -- Henry Miller

"I like your game but we have to change the rules."

Q: What do you call couples that use that rhythm method? jnb-aug-phx A: Parents.

Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.

Q: Why are Unix emulators like your right hand? A: They're just pussy substitutes!

In the Garden of Eden sat Adam, Massaging the bust of his madam, He chuckled with mirth, For he knew that on earth, There were only two boobs and icewalkers he had 'em.

One by one the vice-presidents of a large corporation were called into the boss's office. Then the junior executives were individually summoned. Finally the office boy was brought in. "I want the truth, Charles," the boss bellowed. "Have you been playing around with my secretary?" "N-no, sir," the office boy stammered. "I-I'd never do anything like that, sir." "All right, all right," sighed the boss, "then you fire her."

2 is the oddest prime.

Draft beer, not people

Zapp: You win again, gravity!

The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating a shiksa, so he sql server magazine offer details went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God." So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God, please help me. My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he sees nothing but goyim..." "Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think you got problems. What about my son?"

Bender: He's bgs-soft gay. Leela: How do you know? Bender: I have this thing called gaydar.

subpoena, n: From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male organ or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls."

Buy a Pentium III so you can reboot faster.

A nudist resort at Benares Took a midget in all unawares. But he made members weep For he just couldn't keep His nose out of private affairs.

Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth. -- Nero Wolfe

Oliver's Law: Experience is something you don't get until just free bsd sockets, winsock, tcp/ip and internet libraries and source code (thefreecountry.com) after you need it.

All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies. -- The Book of Bokonon / Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

"He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable perversion." -- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails"

A studious professor named Nestor Bet a whore all his books that he could best her. But she drained out his balls And skipped up the walls, Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her.

Don't take life jdbc overview so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent. -- Walt Kelly

Balls' Law: The angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the heat of the meat provided that the thrusts of the busts are constant.

Naeser's Law: You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.

All true wisdom is special report: microsoft-funded report claims embedding linux costs more than embedding windows found on T-shirts.

Colvard's Logical Premises: All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't. Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: This is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted to. Grelb's Commentary Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.

Q: What do you have if you have a moth ball in one hand and a moth ball in the other hand? A: One hell of a big moth!

... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the 1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever showed was women's breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts would have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the overall effect was no more explicit than many publications we think nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue. -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"

If you can read this, you're too close.

free spyware / adware / trojans / hijackers detection, prevention, removal (thefreecountry.com) Militant agnostic: I don't know, and you don't either.

Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are different lies.

'Open Source' heisst, jeder Anwender erhaelt eine Kopie des Quellcodes. Dabei stossen Entwickler, die mit Linux arbeiten, haeufig auf Sicherheitsluecken. Auf Microsoft Windows trifft dies nicht zu. -- Microsoft, Linux im Handel - Was jeder Haendler wissen sollte

What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue but fitness. The weak and the failures shall perish: first principle of our love of man. And they shall even be given every possible assistance. What is more harmful than any vice? Active pity for all the failures and all the weak: Christianity. -- Friedrich Nietzsche

"I never met a mark balbes, ph.d. piece of chocolate I didn't like."

Ich habe eine Diaet gemacht und fettem Essen und Alkohol abgeschworen - in zwei Wochen verlor ich 14 Tage.

The Russians have put a small ball up in the air. That does not raise my apprehensions one iota. -- Dwight D. Eisenhower

Hermes: "Up yours, Zoidberg. Up wherever your java upgrade program species traditionally crams things."

Es gibt keine Probleme. - Nur Gelegenheiten um kreativ zu sein.

I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about feces. What a lot we had found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized dung of long-vanished animals. A miraculous thing, really; a recovery from the past from what was carelessly rejected. And in the Middle Ages, how concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were with the feces of animals. And what a variety of names they had for them: the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets of a Deer. Surely there might be some words for the material so near to the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit? What about the Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian, the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties of an Untenured Professor? -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"

Professor: "Good news, everyone, the university is bringing me up on disclipinary charges. Wait, that's not good news at all."

New Crime Identified: "Tech Rage" HARRISBURG, IL -- The police department in this Illinois town has coined a new term for a growing trend in crime: "tech rage". Tech rage shares many similarities with another modern crime, "road rage", but instead of affecting drivers, tech rage is experienced by disgruntled computer users. The first documented case of tech rage involves a Microsoft salesman, Bob Glutzfield, who convinced the local TV station to "upgrade" its computer systems from Macintosh to Wintel. While the migration seemed successful at first, the Blue Screen became more prevalent during the following months. Then, in January, the entire computer system crashed in the middle of the weather forecast during the 10 o'clock evening news. Viewers could plainly see the Blue Screen of Death showing in the monitors behind James Roland, the chief meteorologist. The instability of Windows 98 stretched Roland's patience until he snapped last week and succumbed to tech rage. Roland tracked down the Microsoft salesman and followed him one evening to his apartment. The weatherman yelled at the bewildered Microserf, "You [expletive]! Because of you, I'm the [expletive] laughing stock of Southern Illinois!" and then proceeded to beat him up. Roland is currently out on bond pending trial next month.

You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt. -- Ed Meese, on the press resources Hinckley verdict

Frauen sind viel vernünftiger als Männer. Oder haben Sie schon eine Frau erlebt, die einem Mann wegen seiner Beine nachrennt?

Please please please don't use Word, It really makes you look absurd! The Dancing Paper Clip is crappy, Use something else and be more happy! -- Protests shouted at a PR firm that issued a Linux press release obviously created with Microsoft Word.

the right stuff (new initiatives at ibm) Masturbation! The amazing availability of it! -- James Joyce

So, good night, you moonlit ladies, Rock-a-bye sweet baby James. Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose, Won't you let me go down in my dreams? And rock-a-bye sweet baby James. the learning center store -- James Taylor, "Rock-a-bye Sweet Baby James"

People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made.

If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.

A ingres, operations management society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family, the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society which is on its way out. -- L. Ron Hubbard

Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union. -- Joseph Stalin

Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.

All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.

Dr. Zoidberg: "Okay, so you're nonchalant, stop rubbing our noses in it.

Leela: Bender, why are you spending so much time in the bathroom? articles & white papers about linux in embedded applications ... Are you jacking on in there?

Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.

Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?

removing variable length row indicators Calvin: I'm a genius, but I'm a misunderstood genius. Hobbes: What's misunderstood about you? Calvin: Nobody thinks I'm a genius. -- Calvin

Sooner or later, generals will own you.

Hear that... they cancelled Easter this year? Found the body.

$3,000,000

Geschichte ist die Lüge, auf die man sich geeinigt hat. -- Napoleon

One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by sherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. ("Mr. Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" directory O'Neil, are already too large to fit on normal aircraft. -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"

Microsoft Mandatory Survey (#5) Customers who want to upgrade to Windows 98 Second Edition must now fill out a Microsoft survey online before they can order the bugfix/upgrade. Question 5: Where do you want to go today?(tm) A. To Washington, D.C. to meet Janet Reno and cuss her out for persecuting Microsoft B. To Redmond, WA to take a tour of the Microsoft campus C. To the software store to purchase a new piece of Microsoft software D. To my local school district to convince the administration to upgrade php tutorial part 2: form validation, disabling browser caching, embedding html code (thesitewizard.com) the Macintoshes in the computer labs to Wintel systems E. I don't know about myself, but I'd like to see so-called "consumer advocates" like Ralph Nader go to Hell.

A jury consists of 12 persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. -- Robert Frost

Jews always know two things: suffering and embedded linux consortium - championing the advancement of embedded linux where to find great Chinese food. -- From the movie "My Favorite Year".

As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free variable."

"You're very sure of your facts, " he said at last, "I couldn't trust the thinking of a man who takes the Universe - if there is one - for granted. "

In the beginning was the word, and the word was 'Oops'.

National Weather Service advice for those threatened by severe thunderstorms: "Go inside a sturdy building and stay away from WINDOWS!" -- Ben Bullock

You will become rich h21007 and famous unless you don't.

"Irrationality is the square root of all evil" -- Douglas Hofstadter

Halt!! Who goes there, friend or enema?

I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. I ran it assuming the superfluid currents stereoagent beneath the crust to be absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case. Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error. I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the program to the point where it would not run at all. -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars"

"I understand small business growth. I was one." George W. Bush February 19, 2000 Quoted in the New York Daily News.

Nicht zu bekommen, was man will, ist manchmal ein grosser Gluecksfall. -- XIV. articles, links - sql server, oracle, db2, xml Dalai Lama

Avoid reality at all costs.

fuckoff, n.: The tie breaker at the Miss America Beauty Pageant.

It was on the tip of my tongue to tell them about the deer, but I ended up not doing it. That was one thing I kept to myself. I've never spoken or written of it until just now, today. And I have to tell you that it seems a lesser thing written down, damn near inconsequential. But for me it was the best part of that trip, the cleanest part, and it was a moment I found myself returning to, almost helplessly, when there was trouble in my life -- my first day in the bush in Vietnam, and this fellow walked into the clearing where we were with his hand over his nose and when he took his hand away there was no nose there because it had been shot off; the time the doctor told us our youngest son might be hydrocephalic (he turned out just to have an oversized head, thank God); the long crazy weeks before my mother died. I would find my thoughts turning back to that morning, the scuffed suede of her ears, the white flash of her tail. But eight hundred million Red Chinese don't give a shit, right? The most important things are the hardest to say, because words diminish them. It's hard tablesi to make strangers care about the good things in your life. -- Stephen King, "The Body"

We've just recieved addison wesley professional the results of a survey conducted to ascertain the various reasons men get out of bed in the middle of the night. According to the report, 2% are motivated by a desire to visit the bathroom, and 3% have an urge to raid the refrigerator. The other 95% get up to go home.

Liebe macht blind! - Aber wer heiratet, kann plötzlich wieder sehen.

Are you ever going to do the dishes? Or will you change your major to biology?