Hand, n.: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
"I had hdtv-antennas to hit him -- he was starting to make sense."
When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why, sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high? Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing. It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of Rumania. -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"
"Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not sun microsystems tried it." -- Donald Knuth
Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help. One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent man all my life. Would it be so terrible if You let me win the lottery just once?" The despondent fellow returned week after week. One day, Morris, nearly hopeless now, prayed, "God, I've never asked You for anything before. I just want to win one little lottery." "As he dejectedly rose to leave, God's voice boomed, "Morris, at least meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!"
Oh I'm just a typical American boy From a typical American town. I believe in God and Senator Dodd And keeping old Castro down. And when it came my time to serve I knew "Better Dead Than Red", But when I got to my old draft board, Buddy, this is what I said: Chorus: Sarge, I'm only eighteen, I've got a ruptured spleen, And I always carry a purse! I've got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat, And my asthma's getting worse! Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear, And my poor old invalid aunt! Besides I ain't no fool, I'm a-going to school And I'm a-working in a defense plant! -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag"
A pansy who lived in Khartoum Took a lesbian up to his room. They argued all night Over who had the right To do what, with which, and to whom.
single board computer (sbc) quick reference guide In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on the sidewalks when a concert is on.
Ah spring, when a fancy young man lightly turns his lover over.
Q: What's black and white and red all over? A: Half a nun.
From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"
A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
Faulheit suche ist eine besondere Form der Intelligenz.
First Law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
Hear about... the hurricane that recently struck Fire Island -- Hurricane Bruce?
Bob Barker: "I may be against the fur industry, but that won't stop me from skinning you alive... as long as no one wears the skin." Fry: "How can I live my life if I can't tell good from evil?" Bender: "Ah, they're both fine choices, whatever floats your boat."
I do not take drugs db2 articles -- I am drugs. -- Salvador Dali
Kumquat, n.: Any of several small citrus fruits with sweet spongy rind and somewhat acidic pulp that are used chiefly for preserves. Extremely popular in some forms of sexual intercourse. In fact, an early indication that your partner is willing to experiment sexually may be a rather insistent moaning of "kumquat, kumquat" during orgasm. Note: this is *not* to be confused with a warning from your partner that his/her parents are upstairs and probably awake.
Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a fast car? A: Not everyone's been in a fast car.
"I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show, which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'." -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
Hear about... the guy who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that he'd never be able to face his girl again?
Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our topical articles, news and juicy gossip (thefreecountry.com) problem is to find this woman and stop her.
Air is water with holes in it
Jesus died for your sins. Make it worth microsoft access 2002 training course his time.
"He is now rising from affluence to poverty." -- Mark Twain
Officers' club: We don't know but we've been told, our beer on tap is mighty cold.
"I hate quotations." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..." -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning about ibm - united states Points in l'Amour"
Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker, It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock. Or some joker who is slicker, Will trick you of your liquor, If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects but your ziff davis media - ziff davis publishing - corporate information own; to be moral, all pretenses but your own. -- Lionel Strachey
"Hello, Police Department." "This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court. I've just been sexually molested by a pervert, right here in my own home. It was horrifying!" "Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it." "Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask. I was napping on the bed, in just my pajamas, and the TV set was on so I didn't hear anything. Suddenly he had his great big old callused hand over my mouth, holding me down. I tried to scream... he was pulling my pants off. I was so frightened! He held a knife to my throat and undressed so quickly. What could I do? I couldn't stop him. He was huge. A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty pounds heavier than I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible. He had an erection, php tutorial: writing your first php script: a feedback form (a formmail script) (thesitewizard.com) and he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my throat; forced me to suck it. Yes, officer! There was no escaping this man. Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so embarrassed to say it, he put that huge thing... It must have been a foot long, and I don't know how thick... into my... Just a minute." "What's the matter, mister?" "Listen, I have to hang up now, he's getting out of the shower."
Was it you that did the pushin', Left the stains upon the cushion, The footprints on the dashboard upside-down? Was it you, you little pecker, That got into my Rebecca, If you did, you'd better leave this town! Yes, 'twas I that did the pushin', Left the stains upon the cushion, Footprints on the dashboard upside-down. But since I stuck your daughter, I've had trouble passin' water, So I guess we're kind of even all around!
You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "________somebody has to buy retail." -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
Mathematicians do beaconlaw it in theory.
There was a phone call for you.
Abstainer, n.: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
There's a vas deferens between men and women.
The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish child, was propounded to me by my father: "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and whistles?" I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity gave up. "A herring," said my father. "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!" "So hang it there." "But a herring isn't green!" I protested. "Paint it." "But a herring isn't wet." "If it's just painted it's still wet." "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "a herring doesn't whistle!!" "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it hard." -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish"
"Honesty is the programacion best policy, but insanity is a better defense"
"Drawing on my fine command of language, I technical topics - desktop said nothing."
At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. -- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985
"A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and the police." -- Mr. Dooley
Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever depths they were once able to plumb. -- Stanley Kaufman
Fucking sweet!
Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction.
There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is this? Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think you can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster -- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance. -- Arthur Naiman
Pittsburgh Driver's Test (7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light but a steady left tail light. This means (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn to call the problem to the driver's attention. (b) the driver is signaling a right turn. (c) the driver is signaling a left turn. (d) the driver is from out of town. The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns.
Croll's Query: If tin whistles are made of tin, which web host would you recommend? (reviews of best web hosts?) (thesitewizard.com) what are foghorns made of?
I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. -- Fred Allen
Die Geschlechter sind sehr verschieden. Biologisch, im Kopf, vom Denken, vom Fühlen. Dadurch entsteht eine Kommunikationslücke zwischen ihnen, die wir mit Sex zu schließen versuchen. -- Camille Paglia, amerikanische Schriftstellerin.
When in calling, plain speaking is out; When the ladies (God bless 'em) are milling about, single board computer (sbc) quick reference guide You may wet, make water, or empty the glass; You can powder your nose, or the "johnny" will pass. It's a drain for the lily, or man about dog When everyone's drunk, it's condensing the fog; But sure as the devil, that word with a hiss It's only in Shakespeare that characters ____. -- Ogden Nash
Fourth Law of Applied Terror: The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. Corollary: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course.
In France they piss on Main Street. (In pissoirs, Mama, not cheap display). -- Joni Mitchell
Ich kann nicht verstehen, warum jemand mit einer Frau schlafen möchte. Es ist langweilig, langweilig, langweilig. -- Truman Capote
======================================================================= || || || The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture! || || Watch for it at a theater near you next summer! || || || ======================================================================= Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production: "Fortune Cookie" Directed by Steven Spielberg. Starring Harrison Ford Bette Midler Marlon Brando Christopher Reeves Marilyn Chambers and Bob Hope as "The Waiter". Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin. Special Effects by Timothy Leary. Read the Warner paperback! Invoke the Unix program! Soundtrack on XTC Records. In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected theaters and terminal centers.
successful cunnilingus: When you wake up the next jnb-july morning with a face like a frosted doughnut.
"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often picturesque liar." -- Mark Twain
Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules: NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) -- to a 3x5 inch index card. (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card (without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the the Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize.
"I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway." -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy, University of Tennessee at Knoxville
Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today.
redhat A lady from Kalamazoo Once found she had nothing to do, So she sat on the stairs And she counted her hairs: 4,302.
"I might have liked Zap Brannigan if he weren't a pompous dimwit who threw me in prison." -Leela "You really are too picky." -Bender
"Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be reached for comment, but we chose not to listen." -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Never call a man a fool. jdbc documentation Borrow from him.
The only people who make love all the time are liars. -- Louis Jordan
Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done.
If God had meant the latest news & announcements about linux in embedded applications ... for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with green, baggy skin.
Windows: It's not pretty. It's not ugly. But it's pretty ugly.
You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door mayonnaise salesman.
Ingrate, n.: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion.
Q: What do you call a brunette between two blondes? A: An interpreter. Q: Why do blondes have square breasts? A: They forgot to take the tissues out of the tdwi box. Q: What do you call ten blondes in a row? A: A wind tunnel.
American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors. -- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister"
Every creature has within community him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task completely overwhelm you.
Don't forget, Kids ... the faster you download, the bigger your penis is.
In a country where the sole employer is the State, opposition means death by slow starvation. The old principle: Who does not work shall not eat, has been replaced by a new one: Who does not obey shall not eat. -- Leon Trotsky, 1937
"Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it, she's the equivalent of free online programming documentation, tutorials, references and books (thefreecountry.com) three fourteen-year-olds.'" -- David Letterman
Steht ein Pilz im Wald - Kommt'n Hase und trinkt es aus.
Nothing is better than Sex. Masturbation is better thecostumer than nothing. Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, linuxdevices.com -- your embedded linux resource before the FBI sees it.
Invasion of the Dancing Penguin Those annoying, dancing cartoon characters embedded in software applications are no longer confined to Microsoft programs. They have entered the realm of Linux. A new Linux distribution under development, called LinTux, promises to provide a more "user-friendly" environment through its "Dancing Penguin" assistant. Dancing Tux will "guide" users through the installation process and will be a permanent fixture of the X root window. The LinTux staff demonstrated a prototype version of the Dancing Tux program to this Humorix reporter. It was certainly impressive, but, like the Dancing Paper Clip in Microsoft Office, it becomes annoying very fast. The one redeeming feature of LinTux is that, when the system is idle, Dancing Tux becomes a make-shift screen saver. The animations included in the prototype were quite amusing. For instance, in one scene, Tux chases Bill Gates through an Antarctic backdrop. In another animation, Tux can be seen drinking beers with his penguin pals and telling Microsoft jokes.
If at first you don't succeed, you about ibm - united states must be using Windows.
Connector Conspiracy, n: [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything) to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive interface devices.
Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time. The Italian boy's father presents him with a brand-new pistol. On the other side of town, at his Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful gold watch. The next day, in school, the two boys are showing each other what they got. It turns out that each boy likes the other's present better, and so they trade. That night, the Italian boy is at home and his father sees him looking at his new watch. "Where did you getta thatta watch?" he asks. The boy explains the trade, and the father blows his top. "Whatta you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you!" "Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Looka atta you watch and say, `How longa you gonna be?'"
... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ... -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and en then give it back to them.
Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in order for presidents to make wars, for topical articles, news and juicy gossip (thefreecountry.com) governments to feed on the substance of their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young and rob the old. -- Lewis Lapham
"When Europe and America are divided, history tends to tragedy." George W. Bush June 15, 2001
Professor: Some say I'm robbing the cradle but I say she's robbing the grave.
I've been rich and I've been poor...and rich is better -- Pearl Bailey
Save the instructor-led courses Whales -- Harpoon a Honda.
Nichts schmeckt besser als das Zeug, das man isst, wenn man bei einer Diaet schummelt. -- Mike Krueger
Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. community 21) Your efforts to help a little old lady cross a street will backfire when you learn that she was waiting for a bus. Subdue impulse you have to push her out into traffic.
There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty, Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the Fatherland. -- Adolf Hitler
A newly-wed man of Peru Found himself in a terrible stew: His wife was in bed Much deader than dead, And so he had no one to screw.
Brief History Of Linux (#12) A note from Bill Gates' second grade teacher: Billy has been having some trouble behaving in class lately... Last Monday he horded all of the crayons and refused to share, saying that he needed all 160 colors to maximize his 'innovation'. He then proceeded to sell little pieces of paper ("End-User License Agreement for Crayons" he called them) granting his classmates the 'non-transferable right' to use the crayons on a limited time basis in exchange for their lunch money... When I tried to stop Billy, he kept harping about his right to innovate and how my interference violated basic notions of free-market capitalism. "Holding a monopoly is not illegal," he rebutted. I chastised him for talking back, and then I took away the box of crayons so others could share them... angrily, he then pointed to a drawing of his hanging on the wall and yelled, "That's my picture! You don't have the right to present my copyrighted material in a public exhibition without my permission! You're pirating my intellectual property. Pirate! Pirate! Pirate!" I developed a headache that day that even the maximum dosage of Aspirin wasn't able to handle. And then on Tuesday, he conned several students out of their milk money by convincing them to play three-card Monty...
Um es im Leben zu etwas zu bringen, muß man früh aufstehen, most popular articles on sql server, oracle and xml bis in die Nacht arbeiten - und Öl finden. -- Jean Paul Getty, amerikan. Ölmilliardär, 1892-1976
Many nice things suck.
Menu, n.: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in the proper order then why embedded processor and system-on-chip quick reference guide can't he?
One day a city dweller decided to take a ride in the country. He hopped into his sportscar, wandered along the highway for a while and then exited to some very rural dirt roads in the middle of farm country. After awhile, he came across a farmer who clearly working his fields. The funny thing was, the farmer didn't seem to be wearing any pants. The man got out of his car and approached the farmer. "Hey, buddy," he asked, "how come you're not wearing any clothes?" Replied the farmer, "Well, boy, th' other day I was out sql index -- ocelot computer services inc. a-workin' in the fields, an' I plum fergot t' wear mah shirt. Got back to th' house that night, and mah neck was stiffer than a oak-wood board. This here's mah wife's idea."
"We need a full affront on an energy crisis that is real in California and looms for other parts of our country if we don't move quickly." George W. Bush March 29, 2001 White House press conference.
Does harmony mean (to you) that everyone has to agree?
Auch ein blinder Trinker findet mal einen Korn.
Q: "What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic existentialist?" A: "Is there a dog?"
Gray's Law of Programming: `_n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the articles, links - sql server, oracle, db2, xml same time as `_n' tasks. Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: `_n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `_n' trivial tasks.
Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907: "Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink theacolyte in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he can."
Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are so long they can't afford the disk space.
Microsoft Mandatory Survey (#15) Customers who want to upgrade to Windows 98 Second Edition must now fill out a Microsoft survey online before they can order the bugfix/upgrade. Question 15: In your opinion, what companies should Microsoft seek to acquire in the coming year? A. Disney. I'd like to see a cute animated movie starring Clippit the Office Assistant. B. CBS. I'd like to see a new line-up featuring must-watch shows like "Touched by a Microserf", "Redmond Hope", "Everybody Loves Bill", "The Late Show With Steve Ballmer", embedded linux consortium - championing the advancement of embedded linux and "60 Minutes... of Microsoft Infomercials", C. Google. Microsoft could drastically improve the quality and performance of this search engine by migrating it from Linux to Windows NT servers. D. Lowes Hardware Stores. Every copy of Windows 2000 could come bundled with a coupon for a free kitchen sink or a free window!
"I might have liked Zap Brannigan if he weren't a pompous dimwit who threw me in prison." -Leela "You really are too picky." -Bender
How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
C, n.: A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or it isn't. -- Ray Simard
If only is was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to masturbate. jnb-june -- Diogenes the Cynic
Immigration is the sincerest form postgresql: the world's most advanced open source database of flattery. -- Jack Paar
The sybase oracle migrate mysql world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
Q: What's Jewish foreplay? A: Two hours of begging.
Loosely confederate colors of Benetton
May the fairy god-camel leave replication a lump on your pillow!
"But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast to the nearest gas station."
"Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!" -- W. C. Fields
Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow, And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go. It followed her through rain or snow, lightning, sleet or hail. It fetched the evening paper, her slippers, and the mail. She never had a moment's peace; the lamb was always on her heels, And on her feet its head would rest, while she ate her meals. It followed her to school one day, the devotion never ended. The lamb waltzed into her history class and Mary got suspended. The night she went to Senior Prom, she thought she had him beat, Until she heard a mournful "Baaa" coming from her car's seat. Oh, Mary had a little lamb, it surely didn't please her. So for dinner she had lambchops; the rest is in the freezer. -- Alma Garcia
thefreecountry.com: free programmers' resources, free webmasters' resources, free security resources Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me. -- Robert Frost
You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
Nice computers don't go down.
If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
When a girl admits she's had a checkered career, it's your move.
Fan: "Aha oracle, odbc and db2-cli template library programmer's guide ha, fan beats man."
Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it. -- Russell Baker
Microsoft: You've got questions. We've got a dancing paperclip. -- From a Slashdot.org post
Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, search the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they have plenty of food and water. -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
Could You Get Fired for Visiting Slashdot? PADUCAH, KY -- Matt Johnson, an employee at Paradigm Shift Consulting, Inc., was fired from his programming job because of his addiction to Slashdot. Johnson typically visited Slashdot several times a day during working hours. Citing productivity problems, Johnson's boss gave him the pink slip and instituted a 'NoDot' policy -- no visiting Slashdot or related sites from the office, ever. Now Johnson has filed a lawsuit, claiming that his Slashdot addiction is protected by the Americans With Disabilities Act. Matt Johnson explained, "They discriminated against me because I'm a Dothead. Drug abuse and alcoholism are often considered handicaps. Why not Slashdot addiction?" Johnson's boss sees the situation differently. "Matt never got any work done. He was always visiting Slashdot, Freshmeat, or some other nerd website. And when he wasn't, he suffered withdrawl symptoms and couldn't think straight. A few months ago he spent eight consecutive hours posting comments in a KDE vs. GNOME flame war. I tried to offer assistance to overcome his addiction, but he refused. Enough is enough." welcome to eljonline (embedded linux journal online) The company's 'NoDot' policy has been under fire as well. One anonymous employee said, "We can't visit Slashdot because of Matt's addiction. This just sucks. I really don't see anything wrong with visiting Slashdot during breaks or after hours."
Dad are you vicariously living through me in the hope that my accomplishments will validate your mediocre life and in some way compensate for all the opportunities you botched ? -- Calvin
Politics is like coaching a football team. you have to be smart enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
Wer laechelt statt zu toben, ist immer der Staerkere. -- Japanisches Sprichwort
C:\WINDOWS>DEL *.* I feel better now.
A straw vote only shows which way the hot air dataconv blows. -- O'Henry
If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they use functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
Don't get the idea that I'm one of those goddamn radicals. Don't get the idea that I'm knocking the American system. -- Al Capone
"Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some of the few remaining bits dataconvert of your brain just evaporated?" -- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US
"I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them." -- Isaac Asimov
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
"Reality is that mssql sql server oracle migrate which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away". -- Philip K. Dick
Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control has already been born? -- Benny Hill
"I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils." -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson
If they sent one man to the moon, why java blueprints > enterprise blueprints can't they send them all?
pain, n.: Sliding down a 50-foot embedded linux consortium - championing the advancement of embedded linux razor blade into a bucket of alcohol.
Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways. -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
Putt's Law: Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who understand what they do not manage. Those who manage what they do not understand.
There's a man deeply in debt, see, and he takes the money he has left and goes to Monte Carlo to try to recoup at the roulette tables. Won a little, lost a lot, and was down to his last franc. Prayed for help. A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..." Man looked around; nobody there. What the hell -- he puts his last franc on the red, and it won. The voice immediately said, "Encore le rouge..." Played red again, and it won again. The voice said, "Impair..." Played odd, and it won. Voice said, "Quinze..." so he put all the money on 15, and it won. This went on for hours, the voice telling him what to bet, and the man putting all his money on what the voice said, and winning. Finally when the voice spoke, the man protested that he'd won millions of dollars and wanted to quit. The voice was inexorable: "Douze..." The man put the money on 12, and 11 came up -- he had lost everything -- the voice murmured "Merde!!"
Eleanor Rigby Sits at the keyboard And waits for a line on the screen Lives in a dream Waits for a signal Finding some code That will make the machine do some more. What is it for? All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long?